ZOE'S BIRTH STORY

I wanted to do this much sooner, so that I would remember all the little details, but life with a newborn is pretty full. So finally at 3 months I’m getting around to posting about Zoe’s birth story, mostly so that I don’t forget these things myself. SO, it all started on August 1st. Clint and I got to the hospital at around midnight and I was feeling pretty good. Clint decided that he wanted to model my pregnancy pillow like a large scarf to keep me laughing since I was so nervous (read: I cried every single night this week thinking I was going to give birth). Also, side note, I thought I was ridiculous to bring a pregnancy pillow to the hospital but it was a LIFE SAVER. I was pretty comfortable in the hospital bed and I think otherwise I would’ve been in way more pain. I used it upside down to sit in so that I wasn’t sitting directly on my stitches post partum– so do it.

We got admitted and I tried to get some sleep (which I barely could). After I fell asleep Clint went to go talk to a nurse. He had gotten a tumor removed the week before and he had noticed it was getting really red and painful at the incision site (but he hadn’t told me this as to not worry me). He asked the nurse how long she thought it would be until I had Zoe to see if he could run to the hospital’s ER to have his incision checked out. And since I wasn’t progressed very far along yet (only 2 cm) she told him that he probably had at least a few hours to kill before anything started happening. So Clint went ahead to the ER. She, however, was incorrect. I jolted awake around 2am with massive contractions. I looked over at the couch Clint was sleeping on to find him… gone. I texted him “hey, where are you? I think my contractions are getting further together” He responded “oh I was just walking around the hospital trying to stay prayed up and I got lost, be there in a minute!” So he still didn’t want to worry me but he actually was currently hooked up to an IV getting antibiotic fluids for his infected incision HA. But I was getting pissed thinking my husband is just mozying around the hospital getting lost while I’m having his child. TWO HOURS GOES BY and I officially ask the nurse for my epidural because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was at around 5cm and they wheeled me in to my delivery room. I texted clint “well I have no idea where you are but I’m going to get my epidural and I have no idea where they are taking me so byeeee”. LOL.

Don’t worry, he got into the room right after I got my epidural WHICH LET ME JUST TELL YOU IS HEAVEN ON EARTH. I fully understand some women really don’t want to have any pain medication during their delivery and all power to them but I am NOT one of those women. When I get cavities filled, I get the novocain, when I get a mole removed, I use the numbing shot, and when I birth my kid IM GETTING THE EPIDURAL AMEN. And let me tell all of you out there who are fearful that birth is painful–because I had the epidural I felt literally nothing. Nothing. NADA. GOOSE EGG. The second that anesthesiologist put that epidural in my back I was on cloud 9 rollerblading with Jesus in the sunset. I was sending selfies, I was texting my friends, I wasn’t even worried that clint disappeared for 2 hours mysteriously. All was right in the world. Then Clint made it to the room and he brought donuts for all the nurses because he’s the best and he profusely apologized for leaving although I didn’t care at that point. Clint nervously ate like 10 donuts and then we both fell asleep for a few hours. Then I got woken up by a nurse and she said ‘well you’re at 10cm it’s time to push’ and I said ‘let’s do this thing’.

When I say I felt nothing, honestly I couldn’t even tell if I was pushing or not. I would hunch forward and make a concentration face and and then look at clint going “did I just push?” and the nurses would say “ya!”. It was insane. It felt like watching a movie about birth, but it’s my birth and it’s my body but it’s really not happening. So the nurse asked me if I would like to have a mirror down there so I could tell when I was doing. I said, “HELL NO”. She told me it might be helpful since I was so numb to know how and where to push from. So finally I decided to try it out. And it. was. awesome. Never did I think I would ever want to watch myself give birth but hey everything goes out the window when you’re pushing a human out of your own body. I didn’t want Clint to watch it either but whoops here we are and he’s holding my leg and staring at the mirror pointed at my crotch. But it was magical.

I pushed for about an hour and the nurses were concerned about Zoe’s heart rate. It would drop when I was pushing and then it would come back up after I was relaxing. Clint noticed they pushed a panic button during this and he got very nervous and started texting people to pray. I was nervous but the nurses made me feel like everything was going to be fine (plus I didn’t see them push that button or else I probably would’ve freaked). I kept feeling like I couldn’t swallow which was the scariest thing about my birth. I would feel like I needed to clear my throat and swallow but for some reason my throat muscle wouldn’t respond, it was bizarre. Every now and then I could take a sip of water and my reflex would make my throat swallow it and I would get relief for about 5 minutes. But eventually I was given to medicine to help (I think it was for reflux) and it calmed down a bit. A half hour later Zoe Rose came into our world and we were both a wreck.

When I heard her cry for the first time I just burst into tears. Her sweet little voice. And we had our DAUGHTER here with us. This tiny little person who had been inside my body all this year and finally earth side. It was crazy and beautiful and amazing. Immediately after I wolfed down two honey butter chicken biscuits because that’s who I am.

We love you sweet girl! And we are so thankful your birth went so smoothly and you were safe and sound.

THE REAL REAL ABOUT BEING PREGNANT SO FAR

Ok so here’s the thing, you guys know I love to be real and honest on the internet because I just feel like it’s lacking these days. Usually when I feel like I need to write about something, it’s because I’m feeling alone or negative about something that is totally normal, but most girls aren’t talking about it. So because we don’t talk about it, we feel like we are the only one who ever feels that way, thinks that thought, struggles with that one thing. And I just want to be the girlfriend on the internet who says ‘hey, this is what happened to me so you’re not alone.” Like if that could be my one mantra on my social media presence, I would feel satisfied.

So that being said, pregnancy for me has been more difficult that I honestly thought it would be. I thought I would be going about my normal life, crushing goals, being the best wife ever, and also creating a human in my stomach. WELP, we can just say that’s not been happening. Being sick for 4 straight months is no joke. I’ve puked on the side of a highway, I’ve puked on the side of my car via an open door, I’ve laughed too hard at Clint’s joked and puked, the list goes on. I have a pretty high pain tolerance but my nausea tolerance is like an all time low. It’s been getting better the last week finally and I’m starting to feel like myself again (thank God).

But recently I had a hormonal break down one night while looking at myself in the mirror post-shower. Luckily, I grew up with a mom who was very good at building up my body image and I honestly never struggled with picking myself a part growing up, even in high school or college. But now, all of the sudden, I realized I am feeling weird about my body. 3 Months without working out, a human growing inside of you, not being able to really control what I eat when I eat it = gaining some pounds + a baby bump. And like honestly you know when you get pregnant that your stomach is going to get bigger, but for some reason, I just felt so much more out of shape and marshmallowy than I ever had in my life. I started to look at myself and think “ah crap, here it goes, all down hill from here”. I felt like my body was on a run away train without my consent and I just kept getting bigger all over.

Now, I know SO many of you are going to respond and say “you should love you pregnancy body, you’re creating a life!” or “embrace this season girl!” or “give yourself a break, you are doing a hard job every day of growing a human!” And honestly, none of those are going to help– just keeping it REAL. I think the problem is, so many women make it seem like it’s not hard to lose the body you’ve been use to for 27 years. Because it’s not ALL bump (I mean on some instagram models it is, but that alone has made me cry). There’s so many changes your body is going through: weight gain, stretch marks, your nipples get weird, your skin breaks out BAD, you get weird veins in places you didn’t know you could get veins, the list goes on. It’s just a lot to take in at once.

So, yes, I did go through this low feeling a few weeks ago. And I just wanted to share it because I think it needs to be shared– that we can all feel this way, that it’s ok to feel this way and it doesn’t mean you’re not happy to be pregnant or love your baby. Because in the last two weeks, I’ve gotten to go back to my normal workout routine and I haven’t been eating fast food (which is like literally heaven after 3 months of torture) and I feel great again. I have muscle tone back in my legs and I’ve got healthy food in my tumtum and it makes all the difference for how I see myself in the mirror. I know I need grace for myself in this season, and I’m working on it, but I just wanted to be real and honest and share my rollercoaster of emotions. I am by no means sharing this so that anyone feels like they have to say “no you look great!” because honestly no compliments from anyone will ever do the job of loving yourself and your own body (but it does make me feel better haha). It’s just a process that I’m sure we ALL go through at one point (or many points) in our lives.

So you’re not alone sister, pregnancy can be difficult and great and confusing and painful and sad and happy all at the same time. There’s no rules for this stuff. But I really love having you guys to share it with!

WELP, I'M PREGNANT

Holy moly, the news is finally out– I’M PREGNANT! It’s painful for me to keep my own secrets, especially one that was this huge, so it’s a relief to finally talk about it. I found out at about 5 weeks of pregnancy (because my period was late, YAHTZEE!) That has happened to me a few times before and I usually don’t get worried, I just take a pregnancy test to reassure myself that I’m not pregnant, my cycle is just late. Except this time when I took my for sure negative pregnancy test, it said positive…

Sooo needless to say I was surprised. Many people have asked if we were “trying” and I typically say no, because we weren’t like ‘hey let’s have a baby now’. BUT, it’s hard to have it be a complete no, because we were kind of playing with fire since I wasn’t on birth control and we knew that it would be a possibility (although we thought the possibility was pretty small). So we were surprised and shocked. It took me a few days to get it together because I was just overwhelmed and not mentally prepared at all to be pregnant right now. I found out in the bathroom while Clint was out of the house, and I balled my eyes out. I’m just keeping it real.

I stood there shaking in my bathroom with so many negative thoughts running through my mind “I’m not ready to be a mom”, “Am I even a ‘mom’ type of girl?”, “I still feel like a kid, how can I raise one?” “I’m not ready to be done being selfish”, “Well, my life is over…’ And on and on and on. So the sobs continued obviously. Luckily, I have a BUNCH of amazing women in my life who have had similar feelings. One friend in Seattle, one in Austin, and one in Dallas were my first texts I sent. 2/3 of these moms were not trying to get pregnant when they did, and their words of encouragement were exactly what I needed. “This is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you! It’s totally normal not to feel excited or happy, and that’s ok, you will be get there I promise!”

Isn’t it so amazing that someone can come into your world and reassure you that you’re going to be ok? That they also had the feelings that you feel ashamed of, and they overcame them? Gosh, it was just what my soul needed. And that’s how shame works, when you bring it into community and people love you, it goes away.

So when Clint came home, it was actually the day (some you have remember) that all of his social media accounts got hacked. So we were trying to get a hacker out of his twitter account which he was trying to blackmail us, which was super fun. And on top of that I had just found out I was pregnant and trying to find the right time to tell my husband, aka not in the middle of his panic about having his brand and work come crumbling down. So, when he came home, I decided to wait until after we had settled the hacker stuff to tell him so maybe he would be calm and excited (I was nervous he wasn’t going to be happy about it).

4 PAINFUL hours went by, and finally we got the hacker out. I decided I needed to go work out to zen out and as I was leaving Clint gave me a hug and said, “I know it’s been a hard day..” And I pulled back and said “that’s not what I’m crying about!” So he was like “what?” And I said “hold on…” And I went and grabbed the pregnancy test and his jaw dropped. He was SO happy and excited. He said “This is the best news ever oh my gosh!” I was so surprised that he was happy (but of course he would be because he’s the best and amazing and always wanted to be a dad)

So I cried, he celebrated, and then we both sat down and just kept being like “what the heck we are going to have a kid..” So that was about 7 weeks ago. And since then, I’ve gotten to honestly grieve the loss (because there is some loss of independence, selfishness and other things, which is healthy) and accept the reality and blessing that this baby is. It feels SO divinely appointment by God and I know that I can trust Him that I am ready and will be a great mother to this child. I think any huge transition like this is scary and any emotions that come with it shouldn’t be judged, but rather seen and heard so that you can pass through to the joy of accepting the blessing.

After I went to our first doctors appointment and saw our baby and heard it’s heartbeat, I got tears in my eyes. Holy cow this was real, I didn’t just have the stomach flu. There was a tiny tiny human life in there and how holy and beautiful that moment was. I can not WAIT to be a mom now and I am so so joyful and excited and expectant for this beautiful child of mine that I already love so deep and I haven’t even met them yet. It makes me appreciate and love being a woman that much more, holy moly we are so strong and capable and blessed to do this. So get ready to laugh at me and with me through this pregnancy because I’ve got some GOOD material coming yall.